Language learning, difficult? Phooey! It's a breeze!

Holy cow, has it been over a year and a half since I last posted something? Holy moly, is this my first (and almost certainly only) post of 2017? Did I really only write one post – my last – in 2016? What on earth has happened to me?

I really am out of form here: I’m using phrases like ‘holy cow’ and ‘holy moly’. I don’t actually think I’ve ever used those, in either print or speech, until now. I’m clearly out of practice.

You know how long it’s been? So long, that I couldn’t find my own damn blog whilst searching on my browser because I’d forgotten the web address. I did a few searches with key words and was getting nowhere fast and right when I was about ready to throw in the towel, I remembered that I could check my Facebook page and find it there. Seemingly I still haven’t quite mastered how to use Facebook, but that’s another [boring] story for another [boring] day. I often discover messages written to me 2 months after the fact and if I do get round to replying, I have to start with profuse apologies for being such a knucklehead.

Here we are, the last few hours of 2017, when people start to think about resolutions. Or do they? Are resolutions still a thing anymore? I kind of gave up on them when I kept making the same damn ones year after year, and if you’re making the same resolutions year in and year out, then it probably is time to give up on them altogether.

(If you want some philosophical advice from Kierkegaard and Nietzsche, because they probably know far more than I do about this sort of thing, have a look at this: Advice on new-years resolutions from Kierkegaard & Nietzsche)

If you have way too much time on your hands, or if you actually enjoy reading my drivel, and want to read about my past resolutions that came to no avail, you can read here: Futile resolutions, Americans vanishing into the Russian wilderness, and why sex on trains beats any other kind  

And if you’d like to read one of my past years in review, have a look here: Bye bye 2014, hello 2015)

I don’t want to sound too defeatist and pessimistic – just because I’ve said ‘to hell with resolutions’, doesn’t mean everyone else has to. And so at least let me provide some inspiration to others out there who might be feeling ambitious as 2018 rolls in.

How many people have language learning resolutions of some sort? How many people say, every year, ‘this year, I’m finally going to learn English/Chinese/Arabic/Pidgin English/Latin/Aramaic/Swahili? Loads, right? Then I hope I can at least be of some service to others.

(Fairly out-of-nowhere morbid note to end 2017 on: I’ve always said, and I’ve expressed these instructions to my nearest and dearest, that if anything were to happen to me, I want my body donated to medical science. I figure that although I might not have much purpose in this life, at least let me be of some use to others once I’m gone – similarly, though I’m an utterly useless and poor excuse of a language learner, then at least I can be of some service to those who have loftier ambitions and actually have an acumen for learning languages.)

About two years ago I wrote a fairly long-winded epic ‘rant/diatribe’ about teaching and its frustrations in the classroom (‘frustrations’, at times, is putting it mildly). I’m glad many have taken the time to read it, despite its length and poor formatting.

But, as a further service to students and fellow teachers out there, I thought it was time for a more to-the-point, more easily digestible set of advice that will be of more direct benefit to everyone.

And, because 2017 is entering its twilight and a new year is upon us, this is more timely than ever.

So, what follows is a 100%-guaranteed-to-improve-your-English guide to success. I promise that if you follow all of this advice to the letter, you will dramatically improve your English.

And the best part? It involves so little effort! Just do what I say and you’ll be saying ‘awright, guv’nor, whit aboot ya? fancy a cuppa chai latte matey, innit?’ in no time!

Dear language learners,

Great news! Learning English is so much easier than you think! But there are some important guidelines that you must follow to achieve guaranteed success in your English studies.

First, please come to class totally unprepared. You don’t need a pen, pencil or a notebook at all. Just your presence in the classroom is enough. You should, however, bring your phone (preferably two, just to show how important you are), and leave it on. Go ahead and answer it if it rings, or even make a call if you like. It’s okay to just leave the classroom in the middle of a task, leaving your speaking partner all alone with no one to talk to, because no matter what, your phone call is much more important than anything else. Even better is to spend much of the class sending texts or checking Facebook.

Here’s the thing – you don’t actually NEED to speak in class to improve your speaking. Really, your physical presence, and just being in the classroom is enough. The environment and the atmosphere are more than enough for you to soak up all the English that’s going on around you. So the best thing to do, when asked to discuss some questions, is to rush through it as quickly as you can, and then either sit there in silence waiting for the next activity, or even better, start scrolling through your messages or sending a text. It may sound counterintuitive, but finishing a speaking activity quickly, without giving any details in your answers, without explaining ‘why’ and ‘how’, is the best way to develop your speaking skills.

Is this good news or what?

Similarly, you don’t need pens, pencils or a notebook because there’s no need to write anything down. Just hearing new vocabulary words once is enough for you to remember it and be able to use it naturally in the future. Ignore what linguists say about seeing and hearing the word used in context multiple times in order to be able to use it. No, no, no…once is enough, and just seeing OR hearing it is enough to allow you to use it comfortably, flexibly and accurately when need be in the future.

But if you insist on writing it down, whatever you do, just write down the word in isolation, out of context, in your notebook, with a translation. That’s it – no more than that. Don’t write it in context, and never write down collocations, or groups of word that occur naturally together.

For example, if you learn a word like ‘depend’ or ‘look’ or ‘apply’, then it’s fine to write them down in your notebook as:

depend

look

apply

So then, when it comes time to actually attempting to use them, saying something like this:

‘it depends what you’re looking, if you need apply job…’

instead of this:

‘it depends on what you’re looking for, if you need to apply for a job…’

is absolutely fine.

After all, they’re both equally understandable, right?

Furthermore, forget prepositions and articles – they’re not important at all. And it’s perfectly okay to get annoyed or irritated about these ‘stupid’ rules because they are stupid and illogical. Whatever you do, do NOT pay attention to how prepositions and articles are used naturally in context. When you’re reading (or, IF you are reading – more on that in a minute), you can ignore them, skip over them, do not analyse how they are used at all, because in reality, you don’t need them. When you are speaking (remember, even though you haven’t taken full advantage of the opportunity to practice because in real life, you’ll have no problems saying what you want when the situation arises), your audience will understand you from the context. So whenever you’re joking or laughing with a friend, but they look a little bit offended or upset with you because they might not have understood the joke, go ahead and say ‘don’t worry, I’m just taking a piss!’. Ignore them if they start looking for the yellow liquid running down your leg, soaking your trousers. They’ll understand you perfectly well.

Another thing – despite what many teachers may tell you, you don’t need to do any homework or extra work in your own time. Don’t bother wasting your time reading or listening to anything to improve your skills because it’s unnecessary. Just being in the classroom is enough for long-term retention. Take it easy, and don’t strain yourself or work too hard at home, because it won’t make a difference.

But if you insist on reading in order to ‘improve’ or ‘develop’ your skills, or to improve your vocabulary or whatever, then be sure to follow this advice, and this goes for at home or in the classroom. Whatever you do, as soon as you come to an unknown word, stop immediately, and check your dictionary for the translation (and ALWAYS use a bilingual dictionary, they are so much better than, say, the Oxford English Dictionary, which is very unreliable). Do not, under any circumstances, bother reading the entire sentence or paragraph or even the whole text first to get a sense of the overall meaning, before going back to look at unknown words. And never waste your time trying to guess the meaning from context. Do it as quickly as you can, looking up the word to get the translation. And ignore collocations or phrases – the word in isolation is more than enough. So, for example, if you see something like ‘and with just a little bit of practice, you will eventually get the hang of it’, what word might you want to look up? ‘Hang’ of course – just check that in your bilingual dictionary and you will have no problem understanding the meaning of that little phrase. And remember – if you like, add it to your notebook, but just the word ‘hang’, and NOT the phrase. That’s plenty to help you remember it and use it at some point in the future.

(the same applies to listening as well – if you’re watching a video, with subtitles, and see an unknown word, stop the video immediately and find out what the word means. This will also make the video watching experience more enjoyable and relaxing as well).

Now, if you don’t want to rely on modern technology to help you with vocabulary, you can also ask the teacher straightaway for an explanation. That’s fine as well. The important thing to remember here, is not to waste your time using your brain to try to guess the meaning on your own. It will not help you, and is a very inefficient way of understanding new language. And when the teacher is explaining what a word means, you don’t actually need to bother listening, just go straight to your dictionary or Google translate for the word in your language. There’s an important rule to bear in mind here: the less effort you put into trying to understand a word, the more likely you will be to remember it.

The same applies to grammar. Forget trying to work out why a particular construction or structure is used. Immediately ask the teacher to explain the rules and, like vocabulary, don’t waste your valuable time trying to determine why and how it’s used.

And when the teacher is actually explaining something or giving you good advice, feel free to ignore it or, again, start playing with your phone or daydreaming. There’s no need to pay attention because any advice we give is likely to be crap and not worth your time. Similarly, whenever we recommend something, like a website or a video to watch, don’t write it down or make a note of it, because it’s likely a waste of time and completely useless.

The same applies to when we correct your mistakes – just ignore us, because you’ll probably just keeping the same mistakes again and again, so there’s no point in paying any attention to when we do error correction.

So far, so good, right? Learning a language is easier than you thought, right? No homework, no need to write stuff down, no need to use any brain power or thinking skills?

Remember, if you are not making progress, it’s not your fault, it’s the teacher’s!

There’s something else to bear in mind: you, and only you, are the most important person in the classroom. It doesn’t matter if there are 11, 12 or 13 other students with you, to hell with them! You should try to dominate as much as possible, and if other students are speaking, there’s no need at all to listen to what they’re saying because it’s likely to be a load of incoherent mumbo jumbo. Try to monopolise the teacher’s time as much as possible and screw everyone else: your learning, no matter what, is more important than anyone else’s. Go ahead and be as selfish as possible.

For example, it’s fine if you want to arrive late, saunter in 15-20 minutes after the start of class with a cup of coffee, there’s no need to be on time because nothing important happens in the first few minutes anyway. And if you want or need to leave early, there’s no need at all to let us know in advance, just go ahead and get up and walk out – even a ‘goodbye’ is optional. Actually, teachers especially love it when you do this just after we’ve rearranged you to work in a group of 3 and given you nice instructions on what to do next. We always appreciate the time wasted and the extra challenge in trying to re-organise the activity.

If you are too cold because of the air-conditioning, it’s perfectly acceptable just to get up and turn it off – whatever you do, don’t ask any other students whether they mind because their comfort is not important at all, and you certainly don’t need to ask the teacher if we mind because our concern is all about your comfort, not ours. It doesn’t matter if we and 13 other students are sweltering like pigs in a blanket, as long as you’re comfortable, and fashionable for that matter. Instead of coming to class in something more than a shoulder-less light blouse, just wear whatever you want and let the rest of us suffer so that you feel fine. Remember, learning is so much more productive when our brains are overheating and we’re at higher risk of heat stroke – evidence has proven this to be true. This is relevant no matter the season – in colder months, keep the windows closed at all times, and for goodness sakes, make sure there is no draught! That’s a killer. Don’t listen to anyone who will tell you otherwise – for anyone who tries to convince you that science has proven that air-conditioners won’t make you ill and that draughts won’t lead to back pain, tell them that science is a load of hokum or jiggery pokery (and as examples you can cite evolution, the lack of a link between autism and vaccines, multivitamins being worthless and the myth of climate change for other ‘theories’ like gravity and relativity that are a load of poppycocks).

Lastly, whatever you do, don’t show any curiosity whatsoever. If you’re not interested in a topic, forget about it. Don’t bother to show any interest or ask any questions that might lead you to actually learning something. If you find a topic boring, then it definitely is boring and nothing you do will make it interesting.

There you have it – my fool-proof, fail-safe, guaranteed guide to improving your English language learning skills. It’s so much easier than people make it out to be. No need for hard work, thinking skills, being prepared, showing initiative, speaking, writing anything down…I only wish language learning were this easy back when I used to study foreign languages.

But now I don’t even bother, because why should I?! If learning English is this easy, then everyone else might as well learn it – hell, there’s no need for me to learn another language!

Have a happy and productive 2018 – and good luck with your language learning!